As I was out walking my dog today, soaking in some much-needed fresh air and sunshine, I started thinking about what the day would have been like if I was still drinking. In the past, time off from work meant, more or less, no restrictions on my drinking. I used it as an excuse to be as irresponsible and unencumbered as possible, as a “reward” for how hard I work. What that translated to was days upon end spent drinking, watching movies or TV online, and accomplishing less-than-little.
Even though I haven’t exactly climbed a mountain today, I’ve managed to have a relaxing morning that still had some bursts of productivity. If I had been drinking, I would have woken up around 5 feeling awful, then spent the next 5-6 hours tossing and turning – feeling like I’d been run over by a truck, but unable to fall into any type of cohesive sleep. I’d drag myself out of bed for something to eat, either whatever was on hand in the house or some takeout / fast food because there was no way I’d have the energy or motivation to cook, and my stomach would still have a vague hollow feeling after I’d stuffed my face. Sometime after noon, once the liquor store was (finally) open, I’d go buy some wine and spend the rest of the afternoon and evening drinking and doing absolutely.nothing. Lather, rinse, repeat for the rest of my week off. Go back to work feeling anxious, guilty, ashamed, and like I completely wasted my vacation (I did).
Today’s sober counterpart? Slept in until 8 (still battling the pretty-much-constant lack of energy, but like I emphasized before… it’s a “good tired”. I feel like sleep is deep, restorative, and necessary). Drank some coffee, poked around on the internet, called around for some quotes to repair the small leak in my roof (ugh), took the dog for a nice, long walk, ordered his tick prevention refills, and now I’m about to eat lunch before deciding how I want to spend my afternoon. I’ll probably stop at the grocery store when I pop out to pick up the puppy meds, maybe grabbing some mixings for a nice NA treat and some sushi because I deserve it :)
So it’s times like this, when I reflect on the alternative to sobriety, that my sulkiness starts to lift and I can see glimpses of how this is definitely worth the “sacrifice” (but, really, what am I sacrificing? Hangovers? Lethargy? Poor health? Regret?). I suppose it’s probably a little sad that being a functional human being feels like an accomplishment, but right now I’m happy with each small step forward.